I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Randomize
