Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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