I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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