You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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