i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
