My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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