You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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