were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
How does it feel to date your dad?
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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