just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
