I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
They have beer where we have blood.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
