Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
