I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
