It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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