dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I have demons in me.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
