So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
