i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize