party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
3 2 1 whiskey
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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