Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
