He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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