i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Randomize
