dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
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