There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
