Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
i came on her dog
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
