My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
This toilet bowl is my home.
Randomize
