please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
