Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
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