new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
