If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
