my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
