cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
