I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
