The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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