I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
