god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I think im going to throw up on grandma
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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