he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
