the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
