Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Sorry my hands just texted you
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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