oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize