what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
