You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
