dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Randomize
