fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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