You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Your penis caused this!
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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