she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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