dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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