Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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