the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize