I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
