It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
