he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
