Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
