well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
