i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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