You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
