its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
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