get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Randomize