How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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