Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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