Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
