The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Randomize