The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Randomize
