There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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